Blog #5: 10 Reasons People Cheat
“I just want to know, why did s/he do this?”
That is, perhaps, the most common question I hear from an injured spouse immediately following the discovery of an affair, followed by, “How did s/he not think about how much this would hurt our family?”
It is interesting that one of the biggest problems that I have found with those who have been unfaithful is that there is a disconnect (or a “compartmentalization” in pop psychology terms) between their choices and their moral beliefs/marital vows. In a study by Campbell and Wright (2010), they found that almost all of their respondents (97%) believed that infidelity was wrong and detrimental to long term relationships. However, they also reported that 32% of men and 21% of women will engage in an affair over the course of their marriage. That roughly works out to 4% of men and 2% of women in the U.S. cheating on their spouse in any given year. So despite what people know to be “right” vs. “wrong,” or a “good idea” vs. a “bad idea,” many people are still choosing to step outside the marriage, making the question “Why?” even more appropriate.
There are as many reasons people cheat as there are people who cheat. Each situation is obviously unique, but there are enough consistencies that make some generalizing possible. Based on articles, studies and my own clinical experience, I’ve compiled a list of ten reasons, in no particular order, which people cite as reasons for their infidelity. Often there’s more than one underlying reason and sometimes it takes some digging to find out the core issue. While no excuse is a good excuse for betraying a spouse, it does help to shed light on motives so that corrective action can be taken both personally and relationally.
1—Sexual needs not being met. This is usually a more commonly reported reason for men than women, but definitely occurs with women as well. Sexual intimacy is a very important component of a healthy marriage. It is a connection that needs to be made regularly. In most marriages–even strong, healthy ones–there’s some sort of discrepancy in libidos, meaning one person usually wants sex more than the other partner. That’s very normal. But the question is how much are partners trying to meet in the middle? David Schnarch, Ph.D. suggests that the Low Desire Partner (LDP) is the one with the control. If one partner is constantly denying another partner the opportunity for sexual intimacy, then this is also an issue of control and rejection. Thus, this reason may actually be overlapping into other reasons such as lack of emotional connection and lack of validation.
2—Sexual addiction. Sometimes a participating spouse will cite “sexual needs not being met” and the faithful spouse will say to me, “Are you kidding!?! We were having sex four or five times a week!” This is when I begin asking questions about a client’s sexual behaviors. Is there a history of pornography use? Is there a pattern of infidelities such as sexting another person, asking for nude pictures of another person, prostitutes, one night stands, sexual trysts with coworkers and/or strangers? Is the spouse regularly pressuring their partner to try things that make the partner uncomfortable? Is there a compulsion to act out sexually? If this is the case, then sex addiction may be at the heart of the affair. However, even when this is the core issue, it usually does not exist in a vacuum. Often there are other issues such as seeking deeper emotional connections, validation, unmet sexual needs, boredom and/or childhood issues involved as well.
3—Emotional connection. While I didn’t put this first on the list, I have found that when I get down to the core issue behind an affair, this is usually number one. Many articles and studies cite this as being a more common motivation for women to cheat. However, I find it to be equally cited by both men and women. The reason this is number one for both men and women is that it underlies many of the other reasons listed here, such as sexual intimacy (especially for men because men often associate sex with emotional connection), a need to be needed and validated by another person, childhood issues, and even sexual addiction.
4—Need for validation. As I mentioned above, people need to be needed. They need to feel that they are worth something, specifically worth loving. It has been my experience that for many people, especially chronic cheaters, that they cannot fill their own canteen of self-worth, so they constantly seek external validation. Being sexually desirable is easily translated into a feeling of being “wanted,” “attractive,” “desirable,” “good enough”—at least temporarily. Unfortunately, for many unfaithful partners, affairs and sex addictions have a way of causing shame and guilt, which ultimately undermine any temporary validation that may have been derived from the situation. This is called the shame cycle and it may perpetuate further infidelity.
5—Unintentionally falling in love. Yes, this does happen. However, like all the other reasons I am giving here, it does not happen void of another other reasons on this list. It is possible to love more than one person, just like it is possible to love more than one child. It is possible to love a person other than your spouse and still love your spouse. But, it’s not possible to be loyal to both of them. In truth, most people do not “accidentally” fall in love. They allow it to happen. They put themselves in a place where their hearts are open. They flirt. They reciprocate flirting. They agree to meet for lunches or spend time one on one. They return phone calls and text messages in ways that are an emotional step up from pure business. So if someone just happens to “fall in love” with someone else, my biggest question is which other reason on this list caused them to open themselves up to “falling in love?”
6—Revenge cheating. While it totally makes sense that you would want your spouse to understand your pain, this is hypocrisy at its best. What’s more, it can often be an indicator of unhealthy relationship patterns, which likely predate affairs by either partner. Retaliation may even the score or make the other person understand your pain, but in my experience, this makes reconciliation very difficult because of the multiple layers of pain, trauma and malintentions.
7—Boredom. While literature cites this as an oft mentioned reason for infidelity, I’ve yet to come across it in clinic. Once again, there’s usually something else involved. If there’s nothing interesting going on in the marital relationship, then likely there is also a lack of sexual connection and/or emotional connection—or at least a lack of concerted effort to improve those areas of the relationship. This may also indicate poor communication between spouses where the participating spouse has not or cannot openly express his or her desires/feelings to the spouse, so they turn to an outside partner instead. Additionally, this may indicate issues from childhood are affecting the participating spouse’s ability to get his or her needs met or creating an internal restlessness.
8—Midlife Crises. The assumption is that this occurs somewhere around the 40s, but, in fact, it can happen anytime in life where people question their path, wondering whether they are headed in the direction they want to go–and with the person they want to be with. There’s a restlessness, a desire to find new directions and opportunities before life entirely passes one by. Sometimes there is the need to feel sexually desirable by others as one’s body starts to show the signs of aging. This can lead to wanderlust, career changes, expensive purchases, and new sexual exploits.
9—Acting out painful experiences from childhood. When I work with small children, I use play therapy. Children have a tendency to play out their anxieties or traumas over and over again until they can find an alternative way of understanding their experiences. Adults do the same thing, but their toys tend to be relationships—and, sadly, the stakes are much higher when you are playing out your childhood issues at the expense of other people. It’s amazing to me how often people involved in infidelity cases (both the injured spouse and the participating spouse) will tell me that they had a parent who had cheated on the other parent. We all have unresolved issues from childhood and we spend much of our lives trying to make sense of those. The childhood issues that can lead to infidelity (or marrying someone who cheats) are not necessarily limited to having a parent who cheated. It can be abuse, it can be feelings of rejection or being unwanted, or not feeling “good enough.” It can be abandonment or unresolved grief. Sometimes these issues end up sabotaging a person’s relationships in multiple ways–including the choice to cheat.
10—Opportunity. This probably shouldn’t be its own reason because, once again, it doesn’t exist independently of the other reasons, but 10 was an even number, and a few studies mentioned this—so here it is. In an article on Psychology today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/more-chemistry/201403/why-people-cheat), the author explains that men and women who have jobs that put them constantly in a position of working closely with and/or physically touching others, are more likely to find themselves in an affair because the temptation is higher. On the other hand, individuals who stay home or have more isolating careers would not be as tempted to cheat. Like the other reasons, this is usually only one of multiple reasons that entice an individual to cheat. People who are in healthy relationships, who have no desire to cheat, and have strong boundaries are less likely to cheat even if given countless opportunities to do so. The bottom line is that in today’s world with the internet, cell phones and social networking apps, we all have myriad opportunities to cheat. That doesn’t mean we’re going to take them. So, if opportunity is cited as the motive in session, I would definitely ask a few more questions to discover what else contributed to the decision to cheat.
It’s important for a participating spouse to think through the sequence of events and the emotions that led up to his or her infidelities. Identifying the reason (more likely, reasonS) s/he found herself in an affair will help with the healing process. First of all, it will help answer that burning question of “why” and will give context to the experience. I have to warn, however, that just knowing why will not necessarily make it hurt less. In fact, in many cases, it can throw salt to the wounds. But, it can give direction to the healing process. It can help both partners know more specifically what needs to change to resolve personal and marital issues and to make sure that this never happens again.
Reference: Campbell, K., & Wright, D. W. (2010). Marriage Today: Exploring the Incongruence Between Americans’ Beliefs and Practices. Journal Of Comparative Family Studies, 41(3), 329-345.
DISCLAIMER: Throughout the blog I will be sharing stories to illustrate points and bring understanding to different aspects of infidelity. Client confidentiality is of utmost importance to me. For that reason, I have changed many details, brought in stories of friends and acquaintances, AND combined more than one account to make a composite experience. Many stories of infidelity and the experience surrounding it are very similar from person to person, but no one story used in this blog can be attributed solely to a single client.
Thanks, great article.