Blog #2: Reconciling after an Affair
A couple recently came to my office after the husband discovered that his wife had been engaged in an online affair with another man. Understandably, the husband was deeply hurt and his initial response was one of anger. He had lost all trust in her. He tried to take control of the situation and prevent his wife from ever contacting the “other man” again by taking away all of her means of communication. She was frustrated and hurt, responding with, “I am so sorry that I let this happen. So very sorry, I know he doesn’t believe me, but I am. But, no matter what, I don’t deserve to be treated like a child!” The two went back and forth for a bit, and then one turned to me and said, “It’s bad, huh? Is there any hope for this marriage?” I replied, “Well, answer these two questions for me: 1) Do you love each other–and to answer this, remember, you have to dig down underneath the hurt and fear? And 2) Are you both willing to change yourselves so that this relationship can also change and grow?” It took some soul-searching, but both partners said in their own way, “Yes. I do love this person. I wouldn’t be so hurt and angry if I didn’t love him/her.” Consequently, this particular couple had no problem answering the second question without hesitation. They both wanted to have a happy, healthy relationship. It took courage for the participating spouse to own her role without excuses, and it took courage for the husband to say, “What happened was not my fault, but I recognize that I’m not perfect either.”
In the first blog post I discussed the purpose of Hope Trust Heal, here I want to give a little more of the history and lay out the goals of this program. But, most importantly, I want to ask you those same two important questions that I asked my clients to help you assess where you are in your healing process and decide if Hope Trust Heal can assist you in your journey. Be honest with yourself and your spouse as you answer these questions.
Hope Trust Heal began as a conversation between Bill, Brandon, and I about how we could help families regain trust after incidents of betrayal. As therapists, we know full well that it only takes seconds to lose someone’s trust, but can take years to rebuild. Very often those who have been the ones to betray us feel that no matter what they say or do, it will be to no avail, they will never be trusted again. While those who have been betrayed feel that they would like to trust their family member again, but every time they do, their fear is re-triggered and distrust creeps back. Couples can get stuck in an endless standoff when it comes to re-establishing trust in injured relationships.
We realized that in order to help couples address this “trust standoff,” we needed to look at the bigger picture, at the surrounding and underlying issues involved that lead up to the affair and in the relationship as a whole. Rebuilding trust is key to improving relationships, but if there are other, possibly unresolved issues that are not addressed, such as hopelessness, grief and mourning; fears of emotional vulnerability; trauma; remorse and shame; shaky commitment; and/or a history poor communication patterns predating the affair, it will make healing and reconciliation much more difficult. Trust does not exist in a vacuum. So we asked, “where do we start in this process?” The answer is simple, but powerful. With hope. Hope that the relationship is salvageable and worth saving. Hope that broken hearts can be mended and love again.
I know that infidelity is painful for everyone involved. I know it feels like the earth beneath you has shaken violently and left you desperately searching for something to hold on to. So this is where I throw you a lifeline of hope. This is where I tell you that if you love your spouse and if you are both willing and committed to make the necessary changes there is HOPE–lots of hope, a beautiful rainbow of hope. That’s where we start this healing process, but just know there’s going to be some grey clouds, powerful gusts of wind, and some cold, driving rain to weather until we get to that rainbow and the bright sunshine on the other side of this storm. Our goals to help you get through this storm include:
- Understand what each partner is experiencing as a result of the affair.
- Change unhelpful defense mechanisms including, criticism, stonewalling, blame, defensiveness, contempt, assuming the victim role, etc.
- Open safe avenues of communication with honesty and appropriate expression of emotion.
- Identify existing relationship strengths.
- Establish affair-proof guidelines so that both partners can trust and feel trustworthy.
- Develop new patterns of togetherness and bonding, including Increasing positivity, mutual support, and mutual respect.
- Rebuild sexual intimacy.
- Know who to talk to and what to say about the affair. (e.g., children, parents, friends)
- Consider past relationship patterns and challenges to strengthen your relationship going forward.
- Learn to forgive.
I’ll say it again, relationships can and do heal after infidelity! Many relationships become even stronger and happier than ever. I know this not only from my own practice, but the research in the field also bears this out. So our ultimate goal is to make your marriage one of those success stories. If you have read this far it tells me that you are looking for hope and for reassurance that you and your marriage can heal from this devastating experience. You are also likely looking for guidance, a path, a direction that will get you to the other side of this storm. I know what you’re thinking, “So there’s hope, now what?” That is a bit longer of an answer, one that I will answer throughout this blog and in my upcoming webinars, as I share stories, suggestions, research, and exercises on various topics surrounding the experience of infidelity.
DISCLAIMER: Throughout the blog I will be sharing stories to illustrate points and bring understanding to different aspects of infidelity. Client confidentiality is of utmost importance to me. For that reason, I have changed many details, brought in stories of friends and acquaintances, AND combined more than one account to make a composite experience. Many stories of infidelity and the experience surrounding it are very similar from person to person, but no one story used in this blog can be attributed solely to a single client.