Blog #3: Will I get through this? The 9 Stages of Infidelity Recovery
“What’s next for me, for us?” one woman asked me after discovering her husband’s indiscretion with a family friend. “How is this supposed to work?” And by “this” she meant saving their marriage and getting past what had happened. I knew she was hoping for some prescribed, well-documented process or prognosis of how these things turn out. The difficulty in answering this is that “this” is an inherently subjective experience. Each case is different. Personalities involved vary. Extenuating circumstances may complicate matters. Religious beliefs may help or hinder the process. Children and family may change the dynamics. In short, there is no hard and fast rule about how one might experience the stages of recovery. However, there are definitely enough similarities to make generalizations about the experience of infidelity, and to identify a relatively “typical” and “mostly linear” infidelity recovery process.
There are countless books and articles written on infidelity recovery, but with no universally delineated and accepted stages of stages. Different authors describe recovery phases differently. Baucom & Gordon (2003) liken the recovery from an affair to the recovery process from any major traumatic event. The stages they mention are 1) The impact stage; 2) The search for meaning stage & 3) The recovery stage. Most authors’ approach to infidelity recovery applies some variation of this with some stages more specific to a marital betrayal–as is the case with the stages I will define here.
Based on extensive research and my clinical experience with infidelity recovery, I have established 9 phases of infidelity recovery within a three stage recovery model. Dr. Bill Northey and I arrived at the name of this program, Hope Trust Heal, by considering the stages couples experience as they heal from the impact of infidelity. There are similarities and differences between how the injured spouse and the participating spouse will experience each stage/phase. Our model explores both sides of infidelity. The three stages are as follows:
- Finding HOPE after infidelity
- Rebuilding TRUST after betrayal
- HEALing and improving the relationship
HOPE. The first stage of recovery is about finding hope after your world has collapsed and your marriage is hanging by a thread. This is the very darkest, most painful stage of this process. It is in this stage people seek for a glimmer of hope that all of this means something, and that it is going to be okay in the end. This is not the stage where one finds the answers and the meaning, it is where people look for some sign that they can make it to stage 2 of the recovery process.
Phase 1: Trauma/Crisis. In this stage the injured partner is largely in shock and is trying to put all the pieces together while feeling like the ground is shaking beneath them. The offending spouse may be experiencing feelings of panic, shame and disillusionment, or they may be defensive or evasive, or may go into damage control mode.
Phase 2: Grief. Once the initial shock has worn off for both partners, the deep sadness and feelings of loss ensue. The faithful partner feels a loss of their sense of security and the marriage they thought they had. The unfaithful spouse may feel a loss at the end of their affair and/or feelings of deep shame and regret.
Phase 3: Questioning the relationship. The “What now stage?” is important to the recovery process because saving the marriage needs to be a well-thought-out, conscious decision by both partners. It is inevitable that a betrayal will evoke comprehensive marital assessment by both partners. Each partner will ask, “Why are we together?” “Do I truly love this person?” “Do I want to work this out?” “Is there a risk this will happen again?”
TRUST. The second stage of recovery revolves around rebuilding the most critical component or keystone of a relationship–and that is trust. This does not come easily or quickly, and often this stage continues into the third stage. This stage is incredibly delicate because early on there may be setbacks which may send couples right back to stage one. This stage often can be characterized by two steps forward, one step back. Or at times, one step forward and two steps back.
Phase 4: Remorse & Full disclosure. This phase falls largely on the unfaithful spouse. This phase is, perhaps, the most critical phase in determining whether this marriage will recover. Remorse is about expressing sincere regret for hurting your spouse. It is a phase of humility and understanding–not outward actions or hollow words given just to earn back your spouse’s trust. It is the phase where you assure your spouse you truly love them and want to repair the damage you have done. This phase also requires complete disclosure of all indiscretions. It requires answering your spouse’s questions patiently and honestly. The faithful spouse needs to realize that, for them, this is not a phase to belittle or berate the unfaithful spouse. In this phase, faithful spouses accept their partner’s efforts to apologize and make amends. If vulnerability is answered with cruelty or retaliation, the recovery effort may end at this stage.
Phase 5: Listening. This is equally applicable to each spouse because there is pain on both sides. In this phase, communication and active listening skills are critical. Both partners need to listen without defenses to the other person’s experience, fears, grief, hopes and desires for change. Listening with compassion changes everything.
Phase 6: Quality Evaluation. Now that you have heard and are beginning to understand your spouse’s experiences both prior to the affair, during the affair, and after the affair, you both can sit down and evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. What are the best parts of your marriage? What needs to change?
HEAL. This stage is centered around forgiveness and improving the relationship. After an affair, things will never go back to exactly how they were before the affair. Partners must accept and establish a “new normal.” And that’s not only okay, that’s exactly what needs to happen. As painful as affairs are, they also can be a catalyst to revolutionizing the connection between spouses. If couples can make it to this stage of recovery, then clearly their relationship has the potential to be better and stronger than ever.
Phase 7: Forgiveness. In truth, this phase has actually been happening all along, as has rebuilding trust. Forgiveness is multi-layered and is connected largely to trust. Each time trust is broken again, spouses may find that feelings of hurt and anger resurface, and progress toward complete forgiveness is hindered. However, as couples begin to trust and emotionally connect again, forgiveness comes more easily. The goal is that at some point each partner forgives the other for being imperfect and does not use their mistakes against them again.
Phase 8: Improvement & goal-setting. This is a phase where both partners strive to become better people as individuals and where together they set goals and implement new, healthier practices in their lives and in their marriage. Unfaithful partners become someone who is trustworthy and loyal. Faithful partners strive to be more attentive, compromising and present. Both partners seek for opportunities to improve their connection with their spouse.
Phase 9: Deeper emotional connection. This is the end goal–the summit of the recovery mountain. This is a place of trust and intimacy that has not been achieved prior to this–a place where love can continue to increase and improve. But, it is also a place that requires constant care and maintenance, so as not to lose ground. Old habits die hard and keeping your marriage moving in the right direction requires constant repeating of phases 5-9.
Moving through phases 1 through 9 is not always a clear cut and linear process. Above, I used the phrase “mostly linear” above because there are always exceptions and because there are not clearly marked beginning and ending points for each phase. In fact, often they overlap and run simultaneously. Sometimes there are setbacks. Sometimes, we may think we’re in phase 7 and something triggers a PTSD response–maybe just a song or a name, which reminds us of the pain all over again–and we get thrown right back into phase 2. Perhaps, “Setback” should be its own phase that inserts itself at random intervals into the other phases. That, too, is normal. However, when couples get to stage 9, setbacks occur rarely. Stage nine is not a destination, but a new quality of the marriage journey. This recovery process is not easy. In fact, some days, fighting to heal the marriage may be excruciating, but it can and will happen if both partners are willing to face each stage and phase with determination.
Exercise: Each future blog post will contain an exercise you can access by clicking on a link. The exercise will be a PDF worksheet with instructions for you and/or your spouse, which will be emailed to you upon request. Each exercise will coincide with the information given in that particular blog post. The exercises are meant to help encourage processing, honest assessments and dialogue within your marriage.
DISCLAIMER: Throughout the blog I will be sharing stories to illustrate points and bring understanding to different aspects of infidelity. Client confidentiality is of utmost importance to me. For that reason, I have changed many details, brought in stories of friends and acquaintances, AND combined more than one account to make a composite experience. Many stories of infidelity and the experience surrounding it are very similar from person to person, but no one story used in this blog can be attributed solely to a single client.